House Tethras
by mageabomination
Summary: A modern AU in which Fenris is a popular food blogger/critic, and Hawke is the chef at 'House Tethras', a relatively new restaurant in Kirkwall that Fenris is about to review. It doesn't go well, and Hawke has to fix it. (Based on an AU prompt list on Tumblr.)


"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I've done it. You're welcome." Isabela grinned as she entered "House Tethras". The restaurant closed less than an hour ago, but most of the staff stayed behind to do some additional deep cleaning and preparations for tomorrow's workday. Isabela was technically part of the staff, but she only worked a couple days a week, and was never scheduled until closing. But, she was part of the family, and occasionally stopped by on these late nights to help out. Well, drink and gossip with Varric, mostly.

"Are we supposed to know what you're referring to?" Anders said from behind a table, scrubbing aggressively at a bit of dried-on sauce that didn't seem to want to go anywhere. Anders was another part-timer, only working there for a couple months as a personal favor to Hawke.

"Oh, you know, that food critic everyone loves so much! I got him to agree to come in," Isabela said casually, and Varric, who was drinking at the bar, immediately started choking.

"You got Fenris to agree to come here?" he gasped because coughing fits. Hawke and Merrill, who had left their work in the kitchen when they heard Isabela's announcement, both fell into a fit of giggles at the sight of Varric choking on his drink.

"Of course I did. I saw the opportunity, and I decided to help out a friend," she said, a little too innocently.

"Seriously, how the hell did you manage that?" He said in disbelief. "Every time I've contacted him, he's said that he's already got places lined up for the next 2 months."

"Oh, I just bumped into him at a club last night, recognized him from his blog, bought him a few drinks…" Isabela smiled and raised her brows at Varric, inviting him to fill in the blanks.

"Wait," Merrill whispered, looking up at Garrett, "I don't get it. How did she convince him?" Hawke couldn't help but snort, and after a few moments, Merrill piped up with a soft "oh!" and burst into a fit of giggles.

"You seriously slept with this guy to convince him to eat here?" Anders laughed, and he, Hawke, and Merrill walked to the bar to join the other two.

"Believe me, sweetheart, I've slept with guys for less." She casually walked behind the bar to pour herself a drink. "Anyone else want something while I'm up?" Merrill raised her hand enthusiastically. "Trust me, it's going to be worth all the favors Varric's going to owe me when this guy writes a glowing review of this place and you all end up so busy, you'll be having to take reservations weeks in advance."

"That's sweet, Rivaini, but I hope you didn't go to _too_ much trouble on my behalf."

"Yeah, what's the guy look like, anyway? Old and weird? Or one of those weird, pretentious college students who wear scarves and fancy coats in the summer because they want to look fashionable?" Hawke teased.

"Pretentious college student, maybe, but he was gorgeous." She said dreamily. "Seriously, I would've wanted him even if he wasn't extremely important to the future of this place."

"So, when's he coming in?" Varric said excitedly. "We're gonna need all the time we can get to be totally ready. Not that this place isn't already in pretty good shape, but you know, this could determine our entire future."

"Tomorrow afternoon," she said casually, and Varric started choking again. Merrill patted him sympathetically on the back.

" _Tomorrow_?! No, no, we can't do this. You have to tell him to come next week or something." Varric was panicking now. "I'll need to call in more staff. Anders, Merrill, I love you both but there is no way in hell I'm letting either of you near that guy."

"Hey!" Anders yelped. Merrill just shrugged and smiled.

"Hawke, maybe you should do it." Varric sighed. "Hell, maybe I should do it."

"Varric, you know I get weird around handsome men. I definitely can't serve him. Besides, I'm the chef. I'm supposed to cook his things. I probably shouldn't try to do both."

"Shit, I can't do it either. Serving and keeping everything running smoothly around here would be impossible." Varric sighed. "Okay, Anders, I want you serving him. Isabela, give Merrill an extremely detailed description of what this man looks like, and the second he steps through that door, I want Daisy to seat him. I don't care if there are ten people in line in front of him, get him in a seat. A good one, too, maybe that table in the corner next to the window. You got all that, Daisy?"

"This is so exciting!" Merrill nodded, grinning brightly.

"Hawke, cook him the most amazing meal you've ever cooked."

"No problem. I happen to be a very good cook, and if he runs out of here screaming, it _definitely_ won't be because of my cooking." Garrett said smugly, and Varric chuckled weakly.

"Seriously, if any of you guys mess this up, well, I don't know what I'll do, but it's not me you should be worried about. Bartrand's gonna be pissed if the staff _I_ hired gets his restaurant shut down."

* * *

It was exactly one in the afternoon when he stepped through the door, and Merrill, being extra vigilant, recognized him immediately. He was impossible to miss, even if Isabela hadn't gone into extremely explicit detail as to what he looked like. Every part of skin that was showing was tattooed in the same white, swirling pattern, including his chin and forehead. His white hair stood out magnificently against the dark beanie he was wearing, and Merrill couldn't help but stare at his gorgeous, huge green eyes.

He approached the counter and started to speak.

"I'd like a table-"

"Yes come with me please!" Merrill squeaked, and immediately blushed when she realized that she cut him off. She quickly grabbed a menu from the counter and led him to his table.

He sat down, a little hesitantly, still confused at her outburst. She stared at him, her eyes wide and her cheeks still a little red from the previous embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry," she said quickly, "Isabela said you'd be coming today and I've been so nervous, I don't want to screw this up for everyone." Her eyes grew wide again. "I'm not sure if I was supposed to tell you that. I'll go get your waiter." She hurried off, toward the kitchen where she knew she'd find Anders.

"He's here!" She hissed, "go get him a drink!" Anders tried to look calm, but Merrill and Hawke could tell he was tense. He fidgeted slightly with his apron, trying to look a little more organized, and headed out into the dining area.

The restaurant wasn't very busy this afternoon, so spotting him wasn't particularly difficult. He was sitting exactly where Varric had told Merrill to seat him last night, so at least she didn't mess that up.

"Good afternoon, welcome to 'House Tethras'," he said in his most charming voice. "Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"Sure," Fenris said, still reading the menu, "how about a… strawberry lemonade?"

"Good choice," Anders said as he scribbled it down on his notepad. "I'll have that for you in a moment."

He hurried off back to the kitchen, where Merrill and Hawke were waiting, looking like excited children.

"Well?" Hawke said, "What's he like?"

"I don't know," Anders laughed, "he seems like… a person?" He quickly prepared the drink, but the two were still hovering close to him. "What more do you want from me?"

"Is he as handsome as Isabela said?" Hawke whispered.

"Go check for yourself," Anders whispered back, and left the kitchen to take him his drink.

"Here you go," he smiled as he set it down, carefully. The absolute last thing he needs is to spill the drink all over him or something.

"Thanks," Fenris said, a little too apathetically.

"Now then, are you ready to order?"

"Yes, I believe so," He looked up at him, but before he could go on, his eyes traveled down to Anders' apron. Oh no. The buttons.

When Varric and Bartrand first opened up House Tethras, they desperately needed more staff, but were having trouble finding anyone for the job. Hawke convinced Anders to work there, only for a few months, and as part of the deal, Anders was allowed to wear activism buttons for the various causes he fought for. Normally, they weren't an issue, but every now and then, a customer might be a little bothered by them.

"Does that button say 'meat is murder'?"

"….yes?" Anders said nervously.

Fenris snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Alright then, I suppose I'll be having today's special: the meatloaf."

They stared at each other for a moment.

"Okay," Anders said slowly, suddenly struck with the urge to initiate a fight with the other man. "I'll have that for you in a few minutes."

Without another word, he rushed back to the kitchen, and found Hawke and Merrill in the exact same position they were in before. Just as they opened their mouths to speak, Anders cut them off.

"He saw my vegan button and ordered the meatloaf."

Hawke and Merrill burst into a laughing fit.

"Oh, shut up and get his food, please." Anders groaned. "Merrill, do you think you could take it out to him when it's ready? I really want to punch him and I don't know if I can fight that urge much longer."

"In what universe is that a good idea?" Hawke spoke up, working quickly to throw together Fenris's meal. "No offense, Merrill, but if Anders has already got this guy thinking bad things about this place, maybe we shouldn't risk making it worse. You're kind of clumsy, sometimes."

"I can do it, Hawke, I promise!"

Hawke sighed.

"Okay. Anders, make sure you take care of the table Merrill's been working on."

"Got it."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Hawke called Anders and Merrill to the kitchen to take out their meals.

Merrill quickly wiped her palms on her apron, in case her hands were sweaty, and carefully grabbed the plate. She walked slowly, with more attention to her actions than ever before.

Finally, she reached his table and set the plate in front of him.

"Here you go," She said triumphantly, proud of having avoided some kind of tragic disaster on the way. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"

Fenris looked down at his plate, and raised his brows.

"This… certainly looks unlike any meatloaf I've ever seen," he said, confused.

Merrill looked down at his plate, and to her horror, saw a hamburger. The hamburger meant to be going to the table that Anders had traded her for.

"Oh no. I am so, so sorry. I must've grabbed the wrong plate." She quickly grabbed the plate and hurried back to the kitchen.

She ran up to Hawke, already in tears.

"I've ruined it! He sounded so unhappy!" She wrapped her arms around Hawke and sobbed quietly into his shirt.

"Merrill," he said gently, prying her from his shirt, "it's okay, I promise. Here, sit down, breathe, and I'll take him his plate. Okay? If you see Anders, tell him to take that plate to the right table."

Merrill nodded, smiling a little.

"Thank you, Hawke, I know you won't mess this up."

Hawke grabbed the plate with the meatloaf and confidently made his way to the dining area. He'd been a waiter before, so this was nothing new to him. He approached the table with an easy smile.

"So sorry about the mix up," he said calmly, walking up to him, "here's your-"

Suddenly, Hawke's foot caught a leg of the chair across from where the man was sitting. His life practically flashed before his eyes as he realized there was no way he wasn't going to fall. He hit the ground, and the sound of a shattering plate immediately brought his attention back to the critic. He jumped up, trying to quickly come up with some sort of apology, when he froze.

The critic was already standing up, his chest and lap covered in the contents of the plate. Hawke let out a horrified gasp, and met the man's eyes.

He looked absolutely furious. Gorgeous, but absolutely, terrifyingly _furious_.

"I am so sorry," Hawke said quietly. The man just shook his head angrily, picked his bag up from the floor next to him, and slammed a few bills on the table. Without another word, he was out the door, getting into a car, and leaving.

He was in shock. He stood, staring at the mess of food and broken plate on the floor and table.

"Is everything okay out here? I heard crashing." Varric said, emerging from the back room, where he usually spent his time during the day doing paperwork and whatnot.

Varric looked at Hawke's mortified expression, and then at the mess.

"You did not." Varric said quietly.

"Varric," was all Hawke managed to say before he was being dragged to the kitchen. Despite because considerably smaller, Varric was remarkably strong.

He dragged Hawke over to Merrill and Anders, who were waiting eagerly to hear what Hawke had to say.

"Hawke," Varric said sternly, "tell them what you did."

"I…" he stared at the ground. "I dropped the food on him."

Merrill and Anders just stared in shock. Anders excused himself to go stand 15 feet away and laugh hysterically, and Merrill just buried her face in her hands.

"Hawke, you know that any other time, I would think that this is hilarious, but this guy is going to ruin our lives." Varric said, his voice full of concern, "seriously, Bartrand is going to kill us both if this guy's negative review hurts business. I mean really, do you _know_ how many followers he has on that blog? Many of which are people here in Kirkwall?"

"I'm so sorry, Varric," he said desperately. "You know I'm bad at doing things around attractive people."

Varric just sighed and shook his head.

"Well," he said after a few moments. "Who wants to break it to Isabela?"

* * *

The review for House Tethras went up in record time, early the next morning. According to the blog post, Fenris actually wrote it in his car outside his apartment, he was so furious.

"This guy did not go easy on us," Varric said quietly.

The restaurant hadn't opened yet, but everyone was there. Isabela, Merrill, Hawke, Anders… even Aveline and Donnic came by to show their support.

"Ditzy waiters, blatant pro-vegan propaganda… and the whole thing about getting his food dumped all over him." Isabela was reading the review, pointing out any particularly interesting bits. Varric usually just responded with various groans, sinking lower and lower into his seat as the reading went on.

"Well, it's not all bad," Hawke chuckled nervously. "See, he's given us 1.5 stars, which isn't 1 star! We could've done worse."

"The point .5 being for the fact that the restaurant was practically dead at the time, and he didn't have to wait in any lines and it was quiet." Isabela tried to sound cheerful, but failed miserably.

"You should've called me, Varric," Aveline sighed. "My waitressing days may be over, but I did it for years and I never dropped a plate once, especially not on a customer. I would've been happy to help out with this critic."

"This is my fault," Hawke whispered, his face in his hands. "Now I'm going to lose my job and I'll probably be murdered by Varric's creepy brother."

"Cheer up, sweetheart," Isabela said as she draped an arm around his shoulders. "At least he won't be forgetting about us any time soon."

Hawke just groaned.

"Look, Fenris really isn't that bad. Maybe he was already having a shitty day? Or maybe we could call him and ask him to come back and try again." Isabela was trying really hard to lighten the mood, but she knew how seriously this negative review could impact the restaurant.

"Maybe… I could meet with him. Try to apologize. Maybe I could get him to come back or something." Hawke said softly, trying to convince even himself that that was a good idea.

"You know what, Hawke, you definitely couldn't make this any worse, so please, if you think you have a way to make this less awful, I encourage you to go for it." Varric stood up and headed toward his office. "I've got shit to do."

"I could probably set you up with him." Isabela said, leaning back in a chair and admiring her manicure. "I have his number. I bet I could get him to agree to meet you."

"This is a terrible idea." Anders finally spoke up.

"I agree." Aveline said and Donnic nodded.

"I don't think it's such a bad idea," Merrill said cheerily. She was definitely the least affected by the bad news. "I mean, he's kind of handsome, and he's really nice, and if anyone could convince Fenris to come back here, it's Hawke." That earned a few mumbles in agreement.

"…wait, are you saying that _I'm_ handsome, or Fenris is handsome?"

"You, of course!" She giggled.

"Okay, fine. Isabela, please get him to agree to meet with me, and I'll talk to him." Isabela let out a ridiculously loud cheerful shout and pulled out her phone.

"This will take some time. I'll let you know tonight what your plan is." With a wink, Isabela was standing up, and heading out the door.

"So, what happens if he gets pissed and doesn't want to have anything to do with you?" Anders said, still skeptical toward sending Hawke to meet with Fenris.

"Well, Anders, I will clearly have no choice other than to seduce him, make him fall in love with me, and on our wedding day I'll reveal that it was all just a clever ruse to get him to try 'House Tethras' again."

"Hmm, that may work, but we'll have to cater your wedding."

"No problem, but you'll have to do it for free."

"Deal."


End file.
